Liberation Therapy

“What do you want?”

“What do you want?” is a question that I ask people when they complain about their lives. I know, I could be a bit more sensitive in my approach, but I just want to help people get what they want—at least what they say they want. Me, I, generally, focus on what I want. “What I want” rarely occupies my thinking. I guess it’s my positive outlook that keeps in this space. My thinking is that complaining does not change a thing. And complaining to me just irks the hell out of me! Now, as a therapist, I’m trained to listen and validate others’ views. I can do that for about 60 minutes (for a fee, of course); but after that first, maybe second, round of validating “how bad it is,” I am ready to focus on “What you want.” I find this more useful. Think of it, unless all you want is for someone to listen to you complain, you want things to be better. We can establish this in our first meeting. Once we know what you want, my motive is to help you get it. Now, think about what you want. Choose one relationship in which you are not satisfied. It could be with your parent(s), significant other, co-worker(s), career choice, etc. Once you decide which relationship then think about how you want it to change. Finally, allow yourself to imagine this relationship is in your DESIRED state of being; then, watch how things begin to move in the direction of your DESIRE. Focusing on “how bad it is” gets you just that, and with a different focus it works the same. Only this time it’ll be how “good it can be.” It’s just a shift in your thinking, that all. The key: Think about what you want. Okay, it’ll take some time for this to work for some of you, because changing the way you think is no easy feat. Especially since your experiences have taught you that “shit happens.” However, if you really want to get what you want, then keep at it until change comes.

Diversity/Inclusion

Shirley Sherrod: Let’s All Quit

I am sure that you have heard about the firing of USDA official, Shirley Sherrod, based on remarks she made at an NAACP event. Some blogger, who has made quite a name for himself, posted on YouTube portions of Ms Sherrod’s speech about her struggle to help white farmers when she considered how Black farmers had historically been treated. Upshot is that Ms. Sherrod was asked to resign without so much as a hearing; only to find out that the clip was edited and posted out of context.

My response to this set of events is the same as my response to all similar ones: RACISM is as AMERICAN as CAPITALISM. And you can not talk about one without evoking the other.I wonder what will be the financial gains for the blogger. Yes, it’s always at work–present blogger included.

Anyway, Ms Sherrod’s actions/emotions towards the white farmers was an American of African descent’s knee-jerk response in at least two ways: 1)She possesses a Black American collective consciousness based on historical and personal experiences in America; and 2) Rooted in that consciousness is an African-informed mindset that is spiritually based that was also born out the survival necessities of her African ancestors. The latter would not allow her to Other even the descendants of an Oppressor. Similarly, with her sense of justice and perhaps her spiritual consciousness, she was compelled to share with the group how the problem was not as it appeared. So, she experienced a sense of personal growth and enlightenment, no doubt her audience identified with her experience.

I agree with her sentiments in that the problem is not as it appeared. For Ms. Sherrod, it was not race but class–about haves and have-nots. For
me it’s not ONLY about race and capital; it is about honesty. Until American gets honest–as did Ms Sherrod, She will always be apologizing for something.
I am so sick of the superficial apologies for which no one is really sorry. Except in this case–the White House official that fired her was acting out of the usual American hypocrisy– another knee-jerk pro-racist response. I’m referring to our infamous penitent, non-apologetic apologies. Can we just stop with the insincerity? For me, it’s like asking a child to apologize when they sincerely and wholeheartedly intended to kick or bite the adult that pissed them off.

What we need to do is acknowledge the pervasiveness of our racism and TALK PEOPLE. As hopeful as I am, I get the sense that we’d rather “go on pretending and living a lie” (a la Gladys Knight) than to be honest about the poverty of our race relationships.

BUT, if we are not going to take this doctor’s advice then we should all
resign–just quit. My looming fear is that we have already , which is why we continue to apologize for things we are not at all sorry about. But, Shirley, you keep speaking the truth; I hear and feel you.

Relationships

Excerpts from Gettin’ Married

Getting married can be the most exciting time in your life. Every since you were a little girl, you played house imagining the kind of man you would marry; how many children you were going to have; and what kind of home you were going to make. I know you remember playing house—going through all the motions of a day in your happily-ever-after-life. Remember how good you felt dressing your baby dolls, cleaning your home, and kissing your pretend—well-paid, handsome husband. Well, I hate to break it to you, but there is a whole lot more to consider in creating this happy home. So, brace yourself. What I am going to share with you will better prepare you to create the home life of your dreams.
Now, I know you’re saying, “that’s old school dreaming, Dr. Nixon.” Okay, let’s make your plan a bit more contemporary. Instead, you a professional woman—attorney, doctor, or business owner. Your professional—make-believe—husband is a strong, well groomed, very handsome, physically fit, child-free, disease-free and equal partner. How’s that? And even if neither of these scenarios fit your dream, you have one. And more than likely that dream is equally as euphoric as the ones that I painted. You know why? Because in the paradigm of marriage, it’s always a very beautiful dream. And honesty, we women are the ones dreaming the dream. Men tend to be very well grounded about what the commitment of marriage is really about. But somehow we women don’t seem to get the reality of marriage. Now understand me, this is not an accident: TV, magazines, movies, romance books, mass media, institutionalized religion all have done an outstanding job of selling us the dream. And because it feels good to our left brains, we buy into it without reading the very, very fine print. So we don’t get the message about what we have to sacrifice to be in that glorious number of the married ones. The most realistic education are the usual disclaimers: “no relationship’s perfect,” or “everybody has problems.” Well, allow me to break both of those ideas down just a bit more. Both statements are true, but if we do just a little more homework, we’ll discover that there is possibly a winning scenario in it for us. But it comes with a price; we may have to walk away from a relationship, or we’ll have to ask some very hard questions of what seemed like a good prospect, who may decide to walk away from us.

Diversity/Inclusion

Diversity the new Inclusion

Diversity refers to difference–any kind of difference. it bring to our attention the obvious and it poses a question. Inclusion, however, offers the answer–what we need to do about difference. We know all too well what is wrong and how we have mismanaged difference. Now, with inclusion, we find ourselves mending our relationships. We, with the wisdom of the past, know that we need to invite others to the table. That’s it, inclusion connotes invitation. So now with a new consciousness of difference, we invite everyone to the decision-making process. We now know that we are truly an ecosystem where what affect one affects us all. Don’t know what took us so long to figure that one out, but I’m glad we did. The other way of dealing with difference was not only costly, but exhausting. Distrust wears on you health. Now, that we are aware of what to do about our differences–be inclusive–we can be about the business of building a cohesive community.
I like the word inclusive because it’s active, it tells you what to do, very simple. It even implies a sentiment
of the value of those once thought as ‘other.” I like this new word. Besides, “diversity” had lost its value.

I, Therapist

Until the Shrink Comes

I got a new book–“What to do until the shrink comes” will help you
take care of yourself the way a top notch therapist would. I give you
the inside on what a good therapist does and how to pick one
should you decide you need one. Here’s a sneak peak:

Things I Can do to Nourish My Own Soul:
1. Be honest with yourself and others
2. Do what you know will give you the most joy
3. Admit when you have not been your best self toward others or yourself
4. Take time to rest, meditate
5. Exercise—move around
6. Follow your own heart, mind, thoughts—they are usually right
7. Be clear on what you want in any given area
And then do what you want to do
8. You know more than you think so trust yourself
9. Learn your body signals and follow them
10. Stop and examine what you’re thinking and feeling before you make any decision—and only act if you can clearly say “yes” to the action

Women

Love Under New Management

Wow, I just got back from an exciting evening
of love making. Yes, I spent about 2 hours
sharing with about 12 other women on how we
may rethink how we manage our love. We talked about
not giving all our love away. Instead, we decided that
we could and would keep some of our love to take are of
ourselves. Everyone agreed that we were not getting what
we really wanted in our relationships and the it was insanity
to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different
result. We talked about our health, our wealth, and our relationships.
We left the group knowing that it was time to love under new management.
We all agreed that we would take action to get what we really wanted in
our relationships and that what we are currently doing ain’t working for us. Oh, it’s
working for our kids–they get everything they need and want from us; our men–
we have sacrificed our selves long enough; and our money–a day late and a dollar
short will no longer do. We’re getting ours and we’re getting it now. Oh yeah, and our bodies
too. We’ve decided that we are going to listen to our bodies and give it the physical exercise and
nutrients that it is begging for. Yes, we are in love, but not under the old
management. It’s a new boss in town!

Relationships

“We tried, but we just couldn’t make it”

I believe these are the words from a popular song back in the 70’s. I know plenty of couples that could have written that song. Hell, I was a part of a couple that could have written that song. But you know what I discovered as we “tried to make it.” I learned that while we were a couple, we were still individuals. And our individualities–personal journeys– got in our couple way. Yep, at the end of the day “the two”, separately, has to do the individual work to make the “two” together work. So, if you are in a relationship and “it ain’t working” then you might want to take a look at the man/woman in the mirror and ask what might “I do” to make the trying work. Remember those words? “I do.” Yeah, but now it means more than it then that beautiful day in June. Today it means “what am I going to do to keep this relationship thriving?” “It means what personal faults am I holding on to that I need to let go of for the sake of my union?” It means “What am I willing to do to improve myself so that my mate can stand living with me until death”‘ But, I guess this means that you gotta know what is important to you as a couple. These were ours. If you are interested in keeping you family together then you need to figure out what it is that’s keeping you apart. Then you’ve got to have a real conversation about what you both want, and if you both even value your family or each other enough to keep at it. Gotta change those “I do’s” because now that you’re in it, “I do” has a whole new meaning.
Let me know how it works out.

Diversity/Inclusion

This is still America

Come On Guys,

We know that “change has come to America,” but we also know that change is gradual. So we have to bear with ages of bigotry both within us and our neighbors “just a lil’ while longer.” NO, I’m not saying we should ignore the chimp comic strip, but I am saying that we need to continue to create the world we want by standing up to ourselves. This simply means that each one of us has a job to do when it comes to the ignorance like that exhibited by the NY paper. I know we have to stand against such blatant racism, but after we stage our protest, let’s keep the protest going by contributing to the well-being of our communities. Making our world better , more inclusive will sustain the change we want. I believe our President would want us to find ways to create community. I believe he’s saying “I’m going to be fine. Y’all just need to find ways to re-build our country in the community where you live.” In other words, take that protest energy and serve some worthy cause.

Oh, how about this?

If we want the newspaper to pay for their wrongdoing, then why not demand that they do community service in an under-served school? Now, that is true restitution. Perhaps, the company could purchase new computers, pay for after school snacks, or pay salary for extra teaching assistants. Because we can pressure owners in to making a real apology, but we can’t make them mean it. But if they contribute in some meaningful way to some needy group, they will be doing some good. For an apology would be an empty formality–and we’ve had enough of those to last another hundred years.

Diversity/Inclusion

Race? Naw, It’s All Made Up

Biologically, there is only one race–the human race. So, when will begin to use language that represents our reality? I move that every informed person begin, now, using new language. Instead of saying “race” when referring to different kinds of people, say ethnic group or cultural group, which is where the difference lies. The difference in not in our essences, as we are but one people. One People. So, I challenge those of you who agree that the idea of “race” has been divisive to join me. And invite your friends to do the same. One person at a time we can change things. Change your language and change the world!

If you agree that there is only one “race” sign my petition

1. Debra Harris Nixon, Fort Lauderdale, FL